i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
