dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
