just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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