Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
