I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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