I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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