If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
