Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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