If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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