apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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