if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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