overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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