nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
