just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dicks are not precious.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
