Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
