Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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