Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
