The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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