dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
