Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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