I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
