It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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