evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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