I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
