If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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