My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
