Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
