He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
