The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
