So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
