Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
