I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
