and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
