I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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