I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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