Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
