They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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