That's when you crack a 10am beer
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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