Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my shit smells like andre
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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