I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Houston, we have a squirter
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
