If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
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She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
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The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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