I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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