the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
