So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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