My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
