I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
