You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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