Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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