I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
