Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
