You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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